ELECTRONIC BATHROOM DEVICES or I Think I'm Invisible!!!!

I know, it's been awhile -- I have to get back to the drawing board here. Right now, I have a pressing need to voice my opinion of the latest trend: electronic bathroom devices... You know what I mean: Self-flushing toilets; automated paper towel dispensers. The other day, I heard some news about an automatic bathroom tissue dispenser. Maybe by the time I can't do it myself, there will be an automatic butt-wiper....
For starters, there is the auto-flush. These can be convenient: no need to balance on one foot while trying to flush the toilet without actually touching the lever anymore. Or, they can be a major nuisance!!! How about the Super-Duper Atomic Auto-Flush? If you are unfortunate enough to be sitting when this baby decides that you are finished, you will require an extra plush bath sheet sized towel to dry your derriere! And how about the famous "Bathroom Stall Boogie" for those times when the machine doesn't realize that you are finished, have buttoned yourself up, and don't want to exit the stall leaving the little mess behind you. I don't know about you, but I've waved my hands, bobbed up and down, tried to cover the "eye", all in the vain attempt to get the thing to FLUSH!!!!! Having to lean in and push that tiny nearly hidden button really defeats the purpose of the Auto-flush, doesn't it?
All of this is over and above the original frustration connected with using public rest rooms in the first place. I've often wondered what kind of gyrations a woman goes through to make the kind of mess I've encountered in that little stall at times. I saw a stand-up comedienne once who addressed that very subject. I remember the little dance she did to demonstrate just how badly the toilet gets messed up. I have to chuckle each time I think of it, and really, every time I encounter a not so delicately "watered" toilet seat!
From there, one goes to the sink to properly wash one's hands. There has always been some consternation at the public sink. Either one or the other faucet didn't work -- and who thought up the "separate faucets for hot and cold water" thing? How is that supposed to work? First you scald your hands, then you run ice cold water over them.... so sooth the pain? That is, IF they both work... usually the hot water one breaks... how does that happen? So, okay, cold water only.... And the whole concept of holding the lever down so the water will actually come out -- a person actually needs three hands to wash with these gems. Or, there are the new, improved electronic faucets -- they use an "eye" supposedly: you approach, the faucet senses you, the water comes out..... I really want to know how they work, because 9 times out of 10, I can't get those things to work!!!! I'm invisible to the little faucet guru! I'll stand there, totally at a loss, a ten-year-old girl walks up, puts her hands under the faucet, and washes her hands. I wait till she leaves, put my hands under the faucet; nothing. Somebody, somewhere has all this on tape and is laughing their asses off!
Now there is the automatic paper towel dispenser.... I have never had a problem with those... why is that? Why is that little gem of ingenuity flawless? Strange.
The announcement about the auto toilet paper dispenser said that there would be a measured amount of paper dispensed. Recently Sheryl Crow announced that we should all limit ourselves to only three squares of paper per use. The dispenser people have said that they are aware of the ideals of conserving our resources but realize people need more than three squares to do the job, so they will be setting the dispensers for five squares per dispense. Yay. I can tell you now that I'll probably be taking a little more time in the bathroom when those puppies come out! Check it out! Next time you use the john, go ahead and unroll what you need, then count the squares. See where you sit on the Conservation Meter. Let's all be embarassed.