"Steve Irwin Didn't Have to Die!!"

DISCLAIMER: I very, very seldom purchase the pulp sold near the checkout stand because it IS so preposterous --- this is one of those rare occasions -- will probably send it on to SSMW for further comment.....

Just out of the Globe Exclusive, "Steve Irwin Autopsy Shocker. Sadly, the chilling details of the beloved wildlife legend's last moments reveal that his own actions contributed to his untimely death after he was stabbed by the venomous barb of a 220-pound bull stingray while snorkeling off Australia's Great Barrier Reef.
"... It was an incredibly rare stroke of bad luck--" No, duh!
"Lifesaving CPR was attempted... and a medevac helicopter was called...."
"... Specifics of the autopsy remain under wraps..... but sources say it revealed that a series of mistakes and bad breaks doomed the charismatic Animal Planet star. More bad luck, eh?
" The most critical error occurred when Irwin yanked the barb out of his own chest after being struck, leaving a palm-size hole. Like a double-bladed dagger with fishhook teeth, the barb caused much more structural damage to his heart when pulled out than when it went in."
"Internationally renowned forensic pathologist Mr. Michael Baden, who has investigated deaths all over the world and served as an expert witness in O.J. Simpson's trial, tells GLOBE "It's human nature to want to pull out any spike that breaks through your chest wall (happens regularly to me, how about you?) but it's better to leave it intact until a surgeon can remove it. Keep that in mind, will you? Pulling it out caused the protective sac around Mr. Irwin's heart to fill with blood, which prevented his heart from beating.
"Since it would have taken some time for the devastating effects of the ray's venom to compromise his system, it was really the cardiac rupture that caused his death." From my watching two full seasons of CSI: Miami, I feel confident in saying that the venom from a 220-pound Bull Stingray administered directly to the heart might NOT have killed the man instantly, but instead would have taken maybe a full ten minutes......
"Baden notes that if someone had quickly aspirated the heart sac - piercing it with a hypodermic needle and drawing out the blood that had filled it - he might have made it to the hospital" And then he would have died. Okay, I'll play the Devil's Advocate here --- Would the most experienced professional medical man have KNOWN exactly what had happened?????? Once the autopsy report is leaked, it is EASY to comment on what I would have done..... but even a paramedic.... it would have been a crapshoot, either way!!!!
"He was in a high-risk business and should have had his own medical expert on board his boat. And everyone, including the cameraman who was closest to him, should have had the training necessary to stop him from ripping the barb from his chest." Yeah, he should have spent some of his cool millions on a heart specialist to accompany him into the sea -- and oops, he breaks a leg, and bone shards get into his bloodstream, and rips into his circulatory system, and the man dies a freakish death because there was no one aboard that could have prevented his leg from bending in that direction in the first place. Oh, oh, and President Kennedy should have had a medical team with him at all times, and the brain surgeon could have started surgery before they ever left the area of the Grassy Knoll and he wouldn't have had to die. Oh, my Gawd!!!! If Elvis hadn't gone to the bathroom alone, SOMEONE could have noticed he collapsed and probably died in his own vomit!!!!! Ever hear of the saying "Hindsight is 20/20"??
Oh, and if the photo and Headlines weren't enough to get me to buy this rag, it also said: "His desperate death struggle - IN PICTURES" and "His wife's agony" had clinched the deal. The PICTURES were three close-to-stick-figure sketches showing Mr. Irwin being struck, clutching his chest, then pulling the barb out. If those PICTURES are to be believed, then I don't believe Steve is dead, because the "gaping hole" is on the right side of his chest, it couldn't possibly have hit his heart. And the sidebar about "His wife's agony" is just a very slight mention of how strong Terri and Bindi are both being - no report at all.
Thank you, I feel better now.