I'm So Confused!!!!

Life is getting way too crazy, and I just checked out for a short time. Most people, including my GP think I am home and nursing yet another bad asthma attack. Actually, the reason I HAD the asthma attack was that my world was closing in on me. It's really handy being off the beaten track -- everyone I know feels that I live "out of the way" and "too far". At times like this, that is fine.

With life spinning out of control at work, it is having a bad effect on my personal life, and my health, and my sanity... -- I have several phone calls from friends I haven't returned since last week sometime. That's inexcuseable!

I have seriously been pretty much bedridden since Friday, and just this afternoon started feeling like sitting up. During my convelescence, I made the following observations:

Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 real days in jail. First, she was arrested for DUI. Then she was arrested for speeding, and driving with a suspended license. Her words: "I didn't know my license was suspended!" I would like to know what hugely important business Paris is involved in that she forgets that her license is suspended. As far as I know her only business is being Paris Hilton. Which takes this tirade just a little further: the rich bitch must have 40 people around her at all times -- are you going to tell me that not one of them is going to argue with her about going out driving alone in the current state of her affairs? Makes me a little more ill.

Brittany Spears: I wondered who the heck she was when she first broke the sound barrier. Now the hoopla is that she is out touring with her music. My question on this one: What music? Between BS and Jessica Simpson, I am still trying to find out why THEY are famous!!!!

Okay, enough about "Entertainment Tonight". Did you watch the Kentucky Derby? GREAT RACE!!! I saw the interview with another jockey and got a kick out of the comment he made about his horse having "gears" - that he could pour on the gas when he needed it. That certainly seemed to work for Street Sense. Cool race. I watched it between sections of a Rachel Ray Bio. I really feel sorry for all the people who went to all kinds of bother and expense for the, what, three minutes of excitement?!

Which brings me to Rachel Ray... That should have been me!!!! Rachel Ray -- however you feel about her is really something else as a mover/shaker/go-getter. Dishwasher, waitress, candy counter manager, grocery store demonstrator, small town features personality to where she is now....... Whew! I've got to link all my crazy stuff together to make it look like a stepping stone. Maybe my problem is that I still don't know what I want to be..... I'll have to think on that and get back to you.

Bitch In A Box -- the saga continues

I recently answered a survey, saying that "no, I am not the one in my crowd who is first to buy electronic gadgets". I lied -- I didn't realize, that yes, I am! I have an MP3 player -- not an iPod; I have a wonderful digital camera; I have a fancy cell phone that my daughter sent me -- it takes pictures, and I could "text" to anyone if I knew someone who knew how to text back.....
The object of today's tirade is my new GPS -- AGAIN -- or, as I call it: the Bitch In A Box.
I took off from work early today because I had an appointment with a special vet for my dog. I live in Southeastern Wisconsin, and the vet is 73 miles away, just outside downtown Chicago. I map-quested directions, and according to Mapquest the directions were fairly straightforward and simple -- I was confident they were right. I don't go too far out of my own territory, so the Bitch in a Box may have been a mistake. I felt guilty not using her, so I took her out of the bag and plugged her in before leaving.
I started out arguing with her, because I had to go past my local vet's office to pick up x-rays. BIAB was happy when I got back on the road. As we got into the suburbs of Chicago, I knew the best ways to get straight to the expressway, and she kept telling me to "make the first legal U-turn". I kept telling her to shut up. I'm not going to forget about the time she made me do two U-turns in a row. Once on the expressway, I figured we'd be pretty much in sync and she'd do well to get me to the vet's.
Well, I was wrong. For some unknown reason (to me, anyway) BIAB kept trying to get me to get off the expressway WAY before the Mapquest prescribed turn-off. That wouldn't have been too bad, but she was directing me in the opposite direction of where I was pretty sure I wanted to go!!! I held steady, and as we approached the vet's location, she smugly informed me that my destination was "just ahead on the right" as if she had been telling me this route all along.... I wasn't fooled.
Once we finished at the vet, I plugged old BIAB back in and asked her to get me home by the shortest route. Okay! She started right out by getting me out of the parking lot and pointed in the right direction! Not only that, but the 73 mile route from Mapquest became only 70 miles now, so right away, she was winning me over. Instead of east to the expressway again, she headed me north. "Okay, she knows a better route" I thought. Well, we drove, and drove, and drove. "Turn right in 2.1 miles" "Turn left in .5 miles" "Stay on this road for 3.2 miles" "Turn left in .2 miles" -- and so on, and so on.... A half hour later, she'd gotten me 8 miles from the vet's office, it was getting dark, I was hungry, and BIAB was taking me through neighborhoods my ex-boyfriends would not have driven through. I found myself wishing I had a Rottweiler in the backseat instead of a sweet-looking Golden Lab with the friendliest face on the planet.
I followed her directions for another ten minutes, and we had whittled another 3 miles off the original 70. Woo-hoo! I found myself in yet another vaguely familiar-sounding neighborhood, with no sign of an expressway. Another ten minutes and I had 3 glimpses of the expressway, and I was beginning to gain heart again. No such luck. BIAB was bound and determined that I cruise the Northern Suburbs of Chicago, seemingly for eternity! I was tempted to go back to the vet's and just follow Mapquest's directions, backwards. Couldn't have been any worse than what I was experiencing. Finally, finding myself at the 150th stoplight and wondering if my locks were secure -- oh sure, Lone White Woman in Nice SUV -- "come and get me!" written in neon.... I hit the "reroute" button and asked for "Fastest" route. This time, BIAB wanted me to head for the nearest expressway route, which was the southern suburbs expressway, and head south!!!!!! I need to see if there is a "preview" screen to see what in the HELL this thing is thinking!!!!!! I was already in the Northern Suburbs, just a little too far east for my thinking. BIAB was acting bitchy, and I swear, just out of spite, was sending me to the southwest suburbs before she was going to turn me toward HOME!!!!!
I finally found a main artery that I was familiar with -- at least I knew where it would come out. I took it. Several times, BIAB told me to turn right and take some road I knew was going to go through Stop and Go Light Hell. When she didn't get her way, she wanted me to do U-turns. When I kept going, she'd pick another road to try to get me lost. She is amazing!!! Even as we got near home, she wanted me to take some stupid side road that went through a subdivision instead of the straight line highway to home.
I am confused... I didn't see a "scenic route" option, nor a "most stoplights in the world" option. I am going to be taking BIAB for rides to familiar destinations just to see what the bitch is trying to do. This is wrong, as far as I can see. It isn't a tool, it's a Brain-Teaser Toy, destined to drive me crazy, or just someplace I won't be able to get home from!
Maybe my problem is that I am the original "Mrs. Todd" from Stephen King's "Mrs. Todd's Shortcut". Wherever I am, I will find the best, shortest, quickest route to wherever I am going. I have Gazetteers for both Illinois and Wisconsin, along with metro maps for several frequently visited cities, a US Atlas, a World Atlas, plus the Mapquest address bookmarked into my "Favorites"on both my home and work computer. I got lost last week, trying to find a house 30 miles from my house, in a tiny town that doesn't have it's own zip code. The directions I'd been given were null and void when it was discovered that the main road I was supposed to take was out for reconstruction. BIAB couldn't even find the town I was looking for, let alone the street address!
So, what is the solution? Is there a class to learn how to deal with this woman? First thing I want to do is change her voice..... As I've said before - a male, Aussie accent would be Divine....
I think I'll plug her in tomorrow, and give her my work address. I'm 4.7 miles from work, and it's a straight line.... I'll let you know if I have to call in and tell them I'll be late because I'm lost.... Wish me luck!